Successful Losers and Failing Winners

Would You Rather Be A Successful Loser or a Failing Winner?

Are Those My Only Options?

No, and here's a story that will help you look at success, failure, winning and losing in a different way.

I had set a goal with my kids back in May. For me, the goal had several purposes. I wanted the kids, upon their return to school in August, to be able to say that they had written and published a children's book on their summer vacation. In meeting that objective, I wanted to give Madeleine, 13, a chance to share her artistic talent with the world and I thought it would be a great way for Evan, who says his favorite part of school is writing, to experience the iterative process of writing something for publication.

The goal was to complete and publish the book by the first day of school. We made progress. We created a great story line, Evan has crafted a very nice draft, and Madeleine has drawn some great illustrations, but we didn't make it. 

Yesterday, I called a team meeting to give everyone a chance to assess the situation. I asked, "What was our goal? What was complete supposed to look like?"

Apparently, we didn't go a good enough job of defining that because we all provided different answers. All were pretty close, but definitely not the same. After we got aligned (again?), I knew we needed clear something else up- why this project is important to each of us?

The Assessment

"Did we fail to meet our goal?"

"Yes," Madeleine looked down at the table.

"Yes," Evan did the same. I could tell they both dreaded what they thought was coming next: a lecture on doing what you "should" do.

"I agree. Now, let me ask you this, are you satisfied with failing?"

Madeleine replied right away, "Nope."

"Good. I'm glad to hear that. Evan?"

He shrugged his shoulders. 

Curious, I asked him, "What does that mean? Are you satisfied with failing, or not?"

He looked up, "Sort of." 

I could tell he wanted to say something but wasn't sure how I'd react. 

"It's okay, Evan, I want to understand what you're trying to say. I need you to explain it for me.

"Well...sometimes...I want to lose."

"Hmmmm. What do you mean by that?"

"Sometimes, I'm going up against someone who isn't as good as me and I don't want them to feel like they always have to lose, so I lose the game."

This conversation was a great time to explain the difference between "successful losers" and "failing winners".

What Is The Success We Really Want?

You see, we have this tendency in our culture to simplify things and we often inappropriately categorize success with winning and failure with losing. The truth is, they're not the same and while I felt a sense of pride and satisfaction with Evan for wanting to give compassion to others, I knew his point needed clarification.

If you've never read any of my stuff before, it's important that you understand the real nature of success. You see, success is getting what you want. But, I'm not satisfied with that definition and neither should you be. The problem is, we can't always get what we want and my point is the results we reap actually don't make us winners or losers.

Winning and losing is about competition, a situation where two parties vie for resources, influence, power, status, or a ranking. 

My dissatisfaction with the definition of success compelled me to expand on it (notice, I did not try to change it!) so that as a very competitive person (as former U.S. Army Rangers tend to be), I could learn how to fail without believing I was also a loser. So, I determined that I wasn't going to spend my life trying to be a successful winner, what I wanted was values-driven success. Values-driven success is getting what you want and being the person you want to be. Here's the catch, you can't get what you really want if you are not first the person you want to be. The truth really is that simple!

The Difference Between Success and Winning

I recognized in Evan's answer an incomplete understanding of the difference between values-driven success and winning.

In the scenario he gave, Evan said he sometimes wants to give someone else a win. In other words, he wants to help them. 

I explained this, "In the case where you're helping someone else at a personal cost, you're not failing to get what you really want. You're actually being a successful loser, a state of being that does not give you a win but more importantly also does not prevent you from believing you can win. That's because you're intentionally doing something that will make you satisfied with yourself. In other words, you say you want to give the other player a win and then you do it. You meet your goal despite the fact that the results indicate they've won and you've lost. In the meantime, you've built trust and strengthened the connection in the relationship."

Evan nodded, I continued, "Now, that scenario is much different than this one where we have not done what it takes to meet our goal. In our case, we did not do what we said we'd do. We failed to get the results we wanted and that was because of the effort we gave, it's different than competing against others with everything we have and losing. We may not always win, but we can always be successful. We didn't lose the opportunity to celebrate meeting our goal because we had competitors who were better than us, we lost because we failed. Get it?"

He smiled and said he did.

"So Evan, I'll ask again, are you satisfied with failing?"

"No."

 "Great! So, now let's figure out what we need to do to complete our goal! I want us to be successful winners! You have drafted a great story and Madeleine has created some awesome illustrations, so far. Now, we need to finish what we started!"

I looked around the table. Madeleine smiled. Julie Smiled. Evan smiled. I smiled. Incredible! I was amazed at how focused and productive we were in that team meeting. 

How to Know When You're a Successful Loser or a Failing Winner

...And, What To Do About It

Focus on a specific situational context and use this matrix to guide you (open the .pdf so it's easier to read).

The discerning reader will take note that there is no easy path through the matrix.

This line of thinking, where finding values-driven success in the long-run is a higher priority than short-term results, isn't contrary to what we've been taught or what our culture encourages (in word, if not indeed). It's easy to understand but difficult to practice because our self-serving desire to get what we want, to win, often overpowers conviction. And, sometimes what we think we want isn't really.

I hope this article has helped you rethink the concepts of success and failure, winning and losing and how you allow them to affect your thinking and decision-making.

If you, like every client I've helped so far, have only a "general idea" of what you value at your very core, it isn't enough! Generally knowing who you want to be as you go about trying to get what you want is a sure path to becoming confounded and stuck, even if you're winning right now...even if you've always been a winner. Things change. Think about it.

Are You Sometimes a Successful Loser? A Failing Winner?

Do you know exactly what your core values are and how you define them? Do you know how to identify and define your core values? Do you think conflict, distraction, and stress in relationships come from inconsistent definition and application of values to decisions and actions?

Do you have a story that illustrates a time when you were a successful loser? A failing winner? (I do, my book is full of them and I can tell you nothing has been more satisfying than finding the courage to share them with the world so I can help people make positive changes in their personal and professional lives with confidence and conviction)

Why not share your story or your insights on this article? I'd love to read about it as well as your insightful responses to these questions in the comment section, below!

WHAT PEOPLE

ARE SAYING ABOUT 

THIS BOOK!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and the Success Engineer at BoomLife. LEARN MORE ABOUT TOM...

READ A SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM THE BOOK

Succeeding at Dodgeball and in Life

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodgeball

SUCCEEDING AT DODGEBALL AND IN LIFE

To understand how succeeding in life is much like winning at dodgeball, you first need to understand how your brain uses heuristics, or shortcuts, to make decisions.

Think of your brain as having two systems. In one of those systems, System 2, we analyze data rationally. System 2 serves us very well in making decisions that reduce risks when choices, possible results, and probabilities are known.

But, we live in a world of uncertainty, especially where potential results and probabilities are concerned. So, we have System 1 that uses shortcuts, or heuristics, to help us make decisions.

WHY WE LIKE SYSTEM 1 MORE

There are several fundamental reasons why we have a strong preference to use System 1 over System 2:

1. System 2 requires a lot of energy and our brains are hard-wired to allocate less energy to thinking than action.
2. Real life scenarios are typically full of uncertainty. Sometimes, we just don’t have the time to gather information, but back to reason number one: Our brains just don’t want to.

Gerd Gigerenzer gave an interesting talk (TEDxNorrkoping, Sweden, 2012) titled “Simple Heuristics That Make Us Smart,” which provides some great examples of heuristic-level thinking and how it can help us. At 5:30, he provides the example of the Gaze Heuristic to show how mental shortcuts help us catch a fly ball, like in baseball.

I like the example. But, life is life is more like dodgeball than baseball in that:

1. We must concern ourselves with more than one ball.
2. We can’t catch every ball.
3. Some balls, we want to dodge.

HEURISTICS IN DODGEBALL

In dodgeball, we need to prioritize so we can make fast decisions. Here are just a few factors to consider as you attempt to thrive amongst your:

1. Avoid what is most dangerous:
1. Smaller balls can be thrown faster by just about anyone. They sting more when they hit you.
2. Watch for the kid who has an OK arm and is waiting for that moment when you’re not looking! Especially if he has a small ball.
3. Stay away from the kid whose arm is so good it doesn’t matter whether you see it coming.
4. Larger balls are better for blocking than small ones.
5. Avoid throwing larger balls, they’re easier for the opponent to catch.
2. Seek the best opportunities:
1. The bigger the ball coming at you, the easier it is to catch.
2. Any kid who doesn’t see you is the best target.
3. Aim low to avoid head shots and bloody noses!
4. The payoff for catching someone out is higher if someone on your team is out.

The point is, there is a lot to process and you don’t have time to process everything in dodgeball or in life. Do you throw, catch, block, or dodge? Who is  throwing at you? Who do you pick for your next target?

To succeed, you create mental shortcuts that help you decide and act most efficiently. But, how yo prioritize is critical. Without cognitive bases skewed toward safety, following self-serving heuristics can lead you to knock someone upside the head really hard with the little ball. Sure, he’s out, but only because he’s bleeding out of his nose. And, you’re out too because you focused more on throwing hard than aiming low! It’s hard to get one of your friends to catch you back in when the reason you’re out is because you were a jerk.

HEURISTICS IN LIFE

Life is much the same. Decision-making is critical. And, much like in dodgeball, prioritizing is the key to making heuristics work to your advantage. So, it’s important to understand what the priorities of success are.

Success is getting what you want. Seeking success prioritizes results-driven thinking. In this mode, your thoughts, decisions, and actions have a higher probability of getting what you want. But, results-driven thinking tends to skew your cognitive biases so the end always justifies the means. So, when you use mental shortcuts to make quick decisions you increase the probability of getting the results you want, but you also increase the risk that you will not be satisfied with yourself. Dissatisfaction is not a part of success.

Values-driven success is getting what you want AND being the person you want to be. Being the person you want to be creates satisfaction in your own efforts; it drives inspiration, resourcefulness, and resilience.

Prioritizing your values in front of the results may seem like it reduces your chances of getting what you want, but not really. It actually works out the opposite way. You can’t get what you really want if you are not first the person you want to be. So, if you want to be happy and find success, you need to focus on getting what you want while being the person you want to be. It’s much easier to celebrate from a position of satisfaction than one of regret or desperation.

HOW TO REWIRE YOUR COGNITIVE BIASES

1. Identify and define your Core Values.
2. Be disciplined in your approach:
• Consistently ask the question: How can I get what I want AND be the person I want to be?
• Hold yourself accountable. Evaluate how your decisions and actions aligned with each of your Core Values. Focus on the actions you can't justify and the Core Values you should have applied.
3. Continuously Improve.

Rewire your cognitive biases so they skew your heuristical reactions toward your values and you’ll always know what to do even in times of uncertainty. In life, just like in dodgeball, you will constantly be choosing which balls to catch, block, dodge, or throw, always watching for the kid with the fastest arm while searching for the best target of opportunity. In the end, it’s how you play the game that matters most. And, that, my friends depends on why you decide to play it that way...whether you’re thinking in System 1 or System 2.

Do you know what your Core Values are? Have you taken the time to define exactly what they mean? Do you have a story about how you've used your Core Values to make the hard right over the easier not-so-right decision? The other way? What did you learn from that experience?

BUY THE BOOK!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and the Success Engineer at BoomLife. LEARN MORE ABOUT TOM...

READ A SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM THE BOOK