Successful Losers and Failing Winners

Would You Rather Be A Successful Loser or a Failing Winner?

Are Those My Only Options?

No, and here's a story that will help you look at success, failure, winning and losing in a different way.

I had set a goal with my kids back in May. For me, the goal had several purposes. I wanted the kids, upon their return to school in August, to be able to say that they had written and published a children's book on their summer vacation. In meeting that objective, I wanted to give Madeleine, 13, a chance to share her artistic talent with the world and I thought it would be a great way for Evan, who says his favorite part of school is writing, to experience the iterative process of writing something for publication.

The goal was to complete and publish the book by the first day of school. We made progress. We created a great story line, Evan has crafted a very nice draft, and Madeleine has drawn some great illustrations, but we didn't make it. 

Yesterday, I called a team meeting to give everyone a chance to assess the situation. I asked, "What was our goal? What was complete supposed to look like?"

Apparently, we didn't go a good enough job of defining that because we all provided different answers. All were pretty close, but definitely not the same. After we got aligned (again?), I knew we needed clear something else up- why this project is important to each of us?

The Assessment

"Did we fail to meet our goal?"

"Yes," Madeleine looked down at the table.

"Yes," Evan did the same. I could tell they both dreaded what they thought was coming next: a lecture on doing what you "should" do.

"I agree. Now, let me ask you this, are you satisfied with failing?"

Madeleine replied right away, "Nope."

"Good. I'm glad to hear that. Evan?"

He shrugged his shoulders. 

Curious, I asked him, "What does that mean? Are you satisfied with failing, or not?"

He looked up, "Sort of." 

I could tell he wanted to say something but wasn't sure how I'd react. 

"It's okay, Evan, I want to understand what you're trying to say. I need you to explain it for me.

"Well...sometimes...I want to lose."

"Hmmmm. What do you mean by that?"

"Sometimes, I'm going up against someone who isn't as good as me and I don't want them to feel like they always have to lose, so I lose the game."

This conversation was a great time to explain the difference between "successful losers" and "failing winners".

What Is The Success We Really Want?

You see, we have this tendency in our culture to simplify things and we often inappropriately categorize success with winning and failure with losing. The truth is, they're not the same and while I felt a sense of pride and satisfaction with Evan for wanting to give compassion to others, I knew his point needed clarification.

If you've never read any of my stuff before, it's important that you understand the real nature of success. You see, success is getting what you want. But, I'm not satisfied with that definition and neither should you be. The problem is, we can't always get what we want and my point is the results we reap actually don't make us winners or losers.

Winning and losing is about competition, a situation where two parties vie for resources, influence, power, status, or a ranking. 

My dissatisfaction with the definition of success compelled me to expand on it (notice, I did not try to change it!) so that as a very competitive person (as former U.S. Army Rangers tend to be), I could learn how to fail without believing I was also a loser. So, I determined that I wasn't going to spend my life trying to be a successful winner, what I wanted was values-driven success. Values-driven success is getting what you want and being the person you want to be. Here's the catch, you can't get what you really want if you are not first the person you want to be. The truth really is that simple!

The Difference Between Success and Winning

I recognized in Evan's answer an incomplete understanding of the difference between values-driven success and winning.

In the scenario he gave, Evan said he sometimes wants to give someone else a win. In other words, he wants to help them. 

I explained this, "In the case where you're helping someone else at a personal cost, you're not failing to get what you really want. You're actually being a successful loser, a state of being that does not give you a win but more importantly also does not prevent you from believing you can win. That's because you're intentionally doing something that will make you satisfied with yourself. In other words, you say you want to give the other player a win and then you do it. You meet your goal despite the fact that the results indicate they've won and you've lost. In the meantime, you've built trust and strengthened the connection in the relationship."

Evan nodded, I continued, "Now, that scenario is much different than this one where we have not done what it takes to meet our goal. In our case, we did not do what we said we'd do. We failed to get the results we wanted and that was because of the effort we gave, it's different than competing against others with everything we have and losing. We may not always win, but we can always be successful. We didn't lose the opportunity to celebrate meeting our goal because we had competitors who were better than us, we lost because we failed. Get it?"

He smiled and said he did.

"So Evan, I'll ask again, are you satisfied with failing?"

"No."

 "Great! So, now let's figure out what we need to do to complete our goal! I want us to be successful winners! You have drafted a great story and Madeleine has created some awesome illustrations, so far. Now, we need to finish what we started!"

I looked around the table. Madeleine smiled. Julie Smiled. Evan smiled. I smiled. Incredible! I was amazed at how focused and productive we were in that team meeting. 

How to Know When You're a Successful Loser or a Failing Winner

...And, What To Do About It

Focus on a specific situational context and use this matrix to guide you (open the .pdf so it's easier to read).

The discerning reader will take note that there is no easy path through the matrix.

This line of thinking, where finding values-driven success in the long-run is a higher priority than short-term results, isn't contrary to what we've been taught or what our culture encourages (in word, if not indeed). It's easy to understand but difficult to practice because our self-serving desire to get what we want, to win, often overpowers conviction. And, sometimes what we think we want isn't really.

I hope this article has helped you rethink the concepts of success and failure, winning and losing and how you allow them to affect your thinking and decision-making.

If you, like every client I've helped so far, have only a "general idea" of what you value at your very core, it isn't enough! Generally knowing who you want to be as you go about trying to get what you want is a sure path to becoming confounded and stuck, even if you're winning right now...even if you've always been a winner. Things change. Think about it.

Are You Sometimes a Successful Loser? A Failing Winner?

Do you know exactly what your core values are and how you define them? Do you know how to identify and define your core values? Do you think conflict, distraction, and stress in relationships come from inconsistent definition and application of values to decisions and actions?

Do you have a story that illustrates a time when you were a successful loser? A failing winner? (I do, my book is full of them and I can tell you nothing has been more satisfying than finding the courage to share them with the world so I can help people make positive changes in their personal and professional lives with confidence and conviction)

Why not share your story or your insights on this article? I'd love to read about it as well as your insightful responses to these questions in the comment section, below!

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Influencing Change Through Humility

This one's for the parents who care about being a consistent and loving example so their children can learn to make sound, rational decisions, be positively productive, and live satisfying, happy lives. In other words, parents who want to lead values-driven families (not a parent? Read it anyway...you may be able to apply this concepts to your situation).

Let’s say you have a teenager who’s been partying too much at college. They just showed you their grades from the Fall semester when they came home for the holidays…and, they’re failing…everything!

Your natural reaction, “You need to do better! You should go to class every day! You could stop partying so much and focus on your education!” 

You’re right. They do. They should. They could.

And, they agree with you, in principle, but your answers won’t help them change their behavior. They’ll only make things worse. Everyone will become even more frustrated.

Why Won’t Your Answers Help?

Think about it for a moment. Did anything you say really tell them something they didn't already know? Do you really believe a young adult who is going to college doesn't know that they could get their grades up if they focused on their education instead of partying? Are you some kind of genius? Are they some special kind of idiot who became the first Freshman to party too much at school?

Are you trying to fill the role of the expert in a situation where you can’t be a part of the solution because you aren't a part of the problem?

In my experience, there is only one thing that will get someone to find the solution they really need. They know they have a problem but they don’t want to think about it…so they don’t find a solution.

Who really needs to have the expert power in this conversation? You, or your kid?

Will your answers help them think about the problem and how to solve it?

Is being the expert really what you want? Or, do you want to respond with humility so they can find the solution that is meaningful to them?

What Can You Do to Make Them Think About Their Problem?

What questions can you ask to create an atmosphere of acceptance rather than where they can only focus on self-defense? Is this really a time you want them to dig in? Would you rather see them be the expert in their own situation and attack the problem?

What questions can you ask that will allow your college student to illicit and explore their own reasons for change?

What questions can you ask that will provide them with a safe environment to evaluate so they can decide what values they really want to personify?

What questions can you ask that will help them define the boundaries and the goals they want to set for themselves?

(See what I did there? I didn't give you one "how-to" throughout this entire article, did I? Only questions. You’re the expert in this conversation, my friend, not me!)

Are You A Parent Who Cares?

The past few months, we've been feverishly working on a new program designed to ask parents who want to lead values-driven families the questions that will help them build their own solutions around a simple cultural framework:

Think- Know what you want and the person you want to be (identify and define your core values).

Act- Do things that will reflect the person you want to be as you try to get what you want (Targeted Effort + Values personification = Progress Toward Values-Driven Success ).

Be- Be satisfied with your own efforts at getting what you want while you continuously adapt to an ever changing world.

We ask parent-leaders how they want to apply the principles of kinship, trust, and love and to create an engaged, satisfied, and focused family culture.

If It All Starts With Thinking Then Doesn't the Best Thinking Start With the Best Questions?

Humble parents ask questions about problems so the real experts can find solutions.

It’s a journey…always a journey. If you're not good at putting your expert hat aside then think about it in terms of "Not Yet." Practice. Try new approaches. Get help if you need it.

Our new program is called Finding Family Success and it's based on GPS Theory, the main subject of my new book, Finding Success: Get What You Really Want in which I share some inspiring stories including one about my own experiences as a struggling parent. 

GPS Theory asks a very powerful question: What do you want, success or values-driven success?

Before you answer...consider these points:

• Success is getting what you want. 

• Values-driven success is getting what you want and being the person you want to be. Did you notice the a catch? Can you really get what you want without first being the person you want to be? 

You be the expert! 

We'd love to hear your thoughts. What questions would you ask your college kid to help influence them to think about the solution to their problem? Which is more important: Success or Values-Driven Success?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and the Success Engineer at BoomLife, and helps people achieve values-driven success. Through his writings, workshops and inspirational speaking, Tom helps people find and expand the sweet spot between what they value, what they’re good at, and what their situation requires so they can exceed even their own expectations. Tom is a former U.S. Army Ranger-qualified Combat Engineer officer with a Master’s Degree in Business Administration and Master’s Certificate in Executive Coaching from Bellevue University and has created stellar performance in teams in a wide range of environments. Originally from the Adirondack Mountains of Upstate New York, Tom lives in Jefferson, South Dakota, near his three children with his wife, Julie. He is an active and passionate advocate for parents, veterans and entrepreneurs in his community and region.

READ A SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM THE BOOK

Fairness is Like Perfection

I told the group I was speaking to what they really wanted was to constantly drive toward perfection.

One of them asked, “What does perfection look like to you?”

“I don’t know. I've never seen it. And, I never will.”

I could tell most of the people in the room were thinking my answer invalidated my previous statement. So, I shared my story.

I Thought I wanted Perfection

In my marriage to my ex-wife, I was failing so badly at being an example of a loving husband that my botches were also evident in the example I provided my children.

I wanted parental perfection. But, I kept telling myself, “You’ll never be the father you want to be! Just look at the things you’ve done!” I paralyzed myself with the impossibility of being perfect.

One day, someone showed me that they saw what I thought I was hiding from the world: My failures at being the example of the loving husband and father I wanted to be.

I’d known for a long time my failures as a parent were rooted in the fact that my relationship with their mother was not based on love. We’d worked very hard at trying to find common ground. Turns out, there wasn't enough for both of us to stand on. Sadly, the results were disastrous.

I wish I could say it was for reasons more noble than embarrassment, but the realization that my failures were evident to the people around me shook me at my very core. I finally determined to do something.

I found the confidence and conviction to change the relationship with my ex-wife when I decided:

• I cannot move forward if keep looking backward.
• I can be a good parent who is not married to my children’s mother if I know what that looks like and drive my thoughts, decisions, and actions toward that ideal.
• I can be a parental partner with my children’s mother, if not a marriage partner, if I know what that looks like and drive my thoughts, decisions, and actions toward that ideal.
• I can overcome the excuses I’d made in the past to maintain the status quo.
• Financial fears.
• Fear of damaging my relationship with my children.
• Fear of being viewed as a failure by others.

Why I Didn't Choose Fairness

I changed the nature of the relationship with my children’s mother first. 

She initially didn't think it was fair for me to ask for a divorce at the time I did. It wasn’t. But, I realized I couldn't wait for perfect circumstance and we both needed the fighting to stop or we’d never be the parents we really want to be.

I worked at refocusing our interactions on what we both valued: Raising children who can make sound, rational decisions, are positively productive, and can find satisfaction in their own efforts. To do that, we both needed to create a family culture based on kinship, trust and love.  It took several years, but we got closer every day.

Next, I started to change the nature of my relationship with my children.

I communicated new expectations for my children. Change is hard, my children initially resisted it, “That isn't fair! How can you expect us to _______ (insert new expectation) when you used to_______(insert my past/related failure here)?”

It’s true. It isn't fair to change the rules on people. But, if you don’t start out with the best rules in the first place, and you want to make things better, you have to change them. Changing things for the better with people can’t ever be fair in relation to the past.

If I didn't have conviction in my values as a person and a parent, I might have given in, because they were right about it not being fair. But, I wanted things to change and I couldn't argue with my past failures, so I didn’t.

“Yes, I did _______(insert my past/related failure(s) here). Because I want to be a _______(insert value here) father and I want you to grow up to be a _______(insert same value here) person too. We both need to change how we think so we can change how we act and react.”

So, fairness is like perfection...

...in that neither is possible. Try to be either completely and you'll immobilize yourself with impossibilities. Drive toward fairness and perfection and you move forward.

It took some time to gain momentum but everyone made progress. We’re still making progress.

How to drive toward parental perfection and fairness:

• Define the person and the parent you want to be.
• What values do you want to personify?
• What words do you want others to use to describe you and your actions as a parent?
• Gain conviction through strength in the belief that you can be those words for other people.
• Communicate the definition of the person you want to be and why achieving it is important.
• To your spouse or parental partner.
• To your children.
• Why stop there? Tell everyone! It will make you feel courageous as all get out! Plus, it you will gain advocates who care.
• Evaluate every situation.
• How can you achieve values-driven success?
• What actions will help you get what you want AND be the person you want to be?
• Are you being the person you want to be while you try to get what you want?
• A great tool for assessing this is the free GPS Theory App on my website.
• Drive toward perfection and fairness, and values-driven success:
• Do things that will help you get what you want AND be the person you want to be.
• Gain confidence as you make progress.
• Here’s the catch: You can’t get what you really want if you are not first the person you want to be. This is true of parents…and everything else human beings try to become.

My point to the group I was speaking to was this: Just because perfection is not attainable doesn't mean we can’t try to continuously get closer to it- that’s what self-improvement is. 

And, whether they realized it when they signed up for the Finding Family Success Workshop, or not, they came for self-improvement. They came to challenge the status quo and drive toward perfection and fairness as parents.

We'd like to hear what you think. 

Answer these questions in the comments section, below:

What words do you want others to use to describe you and your actions as a parent?

Who are the most important people for you to hear those words from?

CHECK OUT BOOMLIFE'S

FINDING FAMILY SUCCESS PROGRAM

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BOOMLIFE NEWSLETTER- SIGN-UP HERE!

BUY THE BOOK!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and the Success Engineer at BoomLife, and helps people achieve values-driven success. Through his writings, workshops and inspirational speaking, Tom helps people find and expand the sweet spot between what they value, what they’re good at, and what their situation requires so they can exceed even their own expectations. Tom is a former U.S. Army Ranger-qualified Combat Engineer officer with a Master’s Degree in Business Administration and Master’s Certificate in Executive Coaching from Bellevue University and has created stellar performance in teams in a wide range of environments. Originally from the Adirondack Mountains of Upstate New York, Tom lives in Jefferson, South Dakota, near his three children with his wife, Julie. He is an active and passionate advocate for parents, veterans and entrepreneurs in his community and region.

READ A SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM THE BOOK

The Sun Has No Comfort Zone

The Sun Has No Comfort Zone

Do you believe you have a great idea? Do you have a dream?

Your idea does not become something great until you've shared it with the people in the world around you and it helps them in some meaningful way. 

Yes, you may fail at first. The first time you try to share it, you might not actually help anyone. 

Perhaps the idea doesn't work quite right and needs to be redesigned or tweaked. Failure hurts, but it provides a signal that you need to put forth more thought, more effort, more of yourself.

Perhaps, you're presenting it in a way people aren't willing to accept...yet...so they reject it. Rejection can be painful in a soul-scraping way. 

Failure and rejection create two questions. Each question creates a different path and you need to choose which one you'll answer:

• Why don't they like my idea?
• What do I need to do make my idea recognizably helpful to them?

The first question will take you down the path to becoming afraid of success. It will lead you to think the idea has failed and you'll feel rejected because it was a part of you. You will not like the pain you feel and will want to protect yourself from it in the future. You'll feel overwhelmed by the challenge of helping the unwilling and crawl back into your comfort zone. You like it in that place of comfort and you won't try again so you'll decide to stay. You'll become complacent.

The second question compels you to focus on the problem you need to solve. It provides you with a forward path that helps you get past the pain the failure creates (oh yes, you'll still feel the pain). You will think about why solving the problem is important to you. Conviction will drive you to take the next step. You will shine your idea out to the world again, only it will be better.

Protecting yourself from future pain if your idea, your dream, does not immediately come true only ensures you will not make it come true.

Think about this. Help can only be given to living beings. The Sun only helps one planet out of the eight in our Solar System (sorry, Pluto). The first two planets reached by it's rays are therefore not helped so it fails at it's first two attempts to be helpful. 87.5% of the planets it shares it's light with reject any help it tries to provide.

Aren't you thankful the Sun has no Comfort Zone?

It looks pretty cold out there, doesn't it? 

Shine your light. Find the way.
Find the willing.
PRE-ORDER FINDING SUCCESS NOW!

What life-giving opportunities do you miss by keeping your idea, your dream, protected in your Comfort Zone?

I wrote my book, Finding Success: Get What You Really Want? to help people use GPS Theory to ask themselves the best questions so they can focus on the challenges they need solutions to and find the the conviction to overcome failure. 

It's my way of shining my light so I can find the way to help people in meaningful ways.

BOOM!
Tom Eakin
Success Engineer, BoomLife

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