Successful Losers and Failing Winners

Would You Rather Be A Successful Loser or a Failing Winner?

Are Those My Only Options?

No, and here's a story that will help you look at success, failure, winning and losing in a different way.

I had set a goal with my kids back in May. For me, the goal had several purposes. I wanted the kids, upon their return to school in August, to be able to say that they had written and published a children's book on their summer vacation. In meeting that objective, I wanted to give Madeleine, 13, a chance to share her artistic talent with the world and I thought it would be a great way for Evan, who says his favorite part of school is writing, to experience the iterative process of writing something for publication.

The goal was to complete and publish the book by the first day of school. We made progress. We created a great story line, Evan has crafted a very nice draft, and Madeleine has drawn some great illustrations, but we didn't make it. 

Yesterday, I called a team meeting to give everyone a chance to assess the situation. I asked, "What was our goal? What was complete supposed to look like?"

Apparently, we didn't go a good enough job of defining that because we all provided different answers. All were pretty close, but definitely not the same. After we got aligned (again?), I knew we needed clear something else up- why this project is important to each of us?

The Assessment

"Did we fail to meet our goal?"

"Yes," Madeleine looked down at the table.

"Yes," Evan did the same. I could tell they both dreaded what they thought was coming next: a lecture on doing what you "should" do.

"I agree. Now, let me ask you this, are you satisfied with failing?"

Madeleine replied right away, "Nope."

"Good. I'm glad to hear that. Evan?"

He shrugged his shoulders. 

Curious, I asked him, "What does that mean? Are you satisfied with failing, or not?"

He looked up, "Sort of." 

I could tell he wanted to say something but wasn't sure how I'd react. 

"It's okay, Evan, I want to understand what you're trying to say. I need you to explain it for me.

"Well...sometimes...I want to lose."

"Hmmmm. What do you mean by that?"

"Sometimes, I'm going up against someone who isn't as good as me and I don't want them to feel like they always have to lose, so I lose the game."

This conversation was a great time to explain the difference between "successful losers" and "failing winners".

What Is The Success We Really Want?

You see, we have this tendency in our culture to simplify things and we often inappropriately categorize success with winning and failure with losing. The truth is, they're not the same and while I felt a sense of pride and satisfaction with Evan for wanting to give compassion to others, I knew his point needed clarification.

If you've never read any of my stuff before, it's important that you understand the real nature of success. You see, success is getting what you want. But, I'm not satisfied with that definition and neither should you be. The problem is, we can't always get what we want and my point is the results we reap actually don't make us winners or losers.

Winning and losing is about competition, a situation where two parties vie for resources, influence, power, status, or a ranking. 

My dissatisfaction with the definition of success compelled me to expand on it (notice, I did not try to change it!) so that as a very competitive person (as former U.S. Army Rangers tend to be), I could learn how to fail without believing I was also a loser. So, I determined that I wasn't going to spend my life trying to be a successful winner, what I wanted was values-driven success. Values-driven success is getting what you want and being the person you want to be. Here's the catch, you can't get what you really want if you are not first the person you want to be. The truth really is that simple!

The Difference Between Success and Winning

I recognized in Evan's answer an incomplete understanding of the difference between values-driven success and winning.

In the scenario he gave, Evan said he sometimes wants to give someone else a win. In other words, he wants to help them. 

I explained this, "In the case where you're helping someone else at a personal cost, you're not failing to get what you really want. You're actually being a successful loser, a state of being that does not give you a win but more importantly also does not prevent you from believing you can win. That's because you're intentionally doing something that will make you satisfied with yourself. In other words, you say you want to give the other player a win and then you do it. You meet your goal despite the fact that the results indicate they've won and you've lost. In the meantime, you've built trust and strengthened the connection in the relationship."

Evan nodded, I continued, "Now, that scenario is much different than this one where we have not done what it takes to meet our goal. In our case, we did not do what we said we'd do. We failed to get the results we wanted and that was because of the effort we gave, it's different than competing against others with everything we have and losing. We may not always win, but we can always be successful. We didn't lose the opportunity to celebrate meeting our goal because we had competitors who were better than us, we lost because we failed. Get it?"

He smiled and said he did.

"So Evan, I'll ask again, are you satisfied with failing?"

"No."

 "Great! So, now let's figure out what we need to do to complete our goal! I want us to be successful winners! You have drafted a great story and Madeleine has created some awesome illustrations, so far. Now, we need to finish what we started!"

I looked around the table. Madeleine smiled. Julie Smiled. Evan smiled. I smiled. Incredible! I was amazed at how focused and productive we were in that team meeting. 

How to Know When You're a Successful Loser or a Failing Winner

...And, What To Do About It

Focus on a specific situational context and use this matrix to guide you (open the .pdf so it's easier to read).

The discerning reader will take note that there is no easy path through the matrix.

This line of thinking, where finding values-driven success in the long-run is a higher priority than short-term results, isn't contrary to what we've been taught or what our culture encourages (in word, if not indeed). It's easy to understand but difficult to practice because our self-serving desire to get what we want, to win, often overpowers conviction. And, sometimes what we think we want isn't really.

I hope this article has helped you rethink the concepts of success and failure, winning and losing and how you allow them to affect your thinking and decision-making.

If you, like every client I've helped so far, have only a "general idea" of what you value at your very core, it isn't enough! Generally knowing who you want to be as you go about trying to get what you want is a sure path to becoming confounded and stuck, even if you're winning right now...even if you've always been a winner. Things change. Think about it.

Are You Sometimes a Successful Loser? A Failing Winner?

Do you know exactly what your core values are and how you define them? Do you know how to identify and define your core values? Do you think conflict, distraction, and stress in relationships come from inconsistent definition and application of values to decisions and actions?

Do you have a story that illustrates a time when you were a successful loser? A failing winner? (I do, my book is full of them and I can tell you nothing has been more satisfying than finding the courage to share them with the world so I can help people make positive changes in their personal and professional lives with confidence and conviction)

Why not share your story or your insights on this article? I'd love to read about it as well as your insightful responses to these questions in the comment section, below!

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Ever Do What You Said You Wouldn't?

 

EVER DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T?

I was recently asked if I could facilitate a workshop intended to help align an executive team that had gone through an enormous amount of change. Almost half of the dozen, or so, team members had joined the organization within the past six months. 

I said I could facilitate the process and provided a proposal that included a team alignment workshop. 

They hired me.

Oh, the workshop happened. But, I did anything but facilitate.

You see, I had just re-engineered my content. I had a new workbook full of new stuff that I couldn't wait to share with everyone. That "stuff" included information, activities, and videos all identified, crafted, and assembled to facilitate a new process through which a team could become aligned in a way that would be meaningful for the organization and to each individual.

Then, a funny thing happened.  I started talking.

I started sharing my pearls of wisdom and the gold verbal nuggets I'd thought up in the previous weeks while I was developing this "new and improved" team alignment process. 

Apparently, I liked the sound of my voice so much...I kept on talking...and sharing...I felt so generous!

What I Planned To Not Do

My client didn't need me to talk and share so much. He needed the people on his "new" team to talk and share.

He gave me a few signals throughout the afternoon. He tactfully urged me several times to get to the part where his people could start to define the reasons why they would want to connect with each other. He wanted them to discover why they might start to develop trust so that some day they'd love working with each other enough to ask more of, and give more for, each other when they really needed to.

But, by that point, the train (a.k.a. my mouth) had gained a lot of momentum. I'd gotten far and deep enough into the minutia of most of the concepts that I was compelled to take them the rest of the way despite his polite and respectful signals. 

So, when the afternoon was almost over and we only had about a third of the time needed to start the process I had planned to facilitate I put myself in a position where I had to make a choice: Start the process at the beginning knowing it won't be finished? Or, skip a few steps and get to the heart of the process?

I chose the latter. It didn't go well. 

I tried to pull everyone straight to the climactic point in my process where they would all join hearts and hands and make up a team song, or something. Meanwhile, they struggled to build a framework on top of something they hadn't had a chance to build a foundation under. Thanks to me, they knew everything there is to know about the building materials for that foundation, but I didn't give them a chance to put their hands on them.

What I Said I Wouldn't Do

I didn't facilitate a workshop! To facilitate is to "make easier or less difficult," "to assist the progress of." I didn't do that. I didn't make it easier for my client's team members to progress in the development of connection, trust, and love. I didn't make it harder for them either...but that's not the point.

Instead, I did what I'd always said I didn't want to do if I were going to get into this kind of business: regurgitate. I puked "wisdom" all over them. Not once, not for a short period...for several hours!

How I Felt About It After

I felt like anyone who, drunk on his own wine, threw it back up on people he wants to be his friends- Disgusted and dissatisfied with myself. 

When the workshop ended, at first, I wasn't sure how well it had gone. As I was driving home after the workshop, I kept asking myself, "Are they even going to have me back?" The inquiring voice was my subconscious trying to force the question to a conscious level. Was I successful at facilitating the workshop? Did I give them a reason to continue the conversation? I just didn't know. I felt terrible as if I'd broken a promise. The truth of the matter was, I did not do what I'd said I'd do. Not completely anyway.

I'm glad I listened to that voice and heeded the subconscious signal...or else I'd still feel disgusted and dissatisfied with myself today.

What I Did About It

First, I had another workshop with another client five days later. I changed my whole approach. I followed the plan I'd envisioned but didn't prepare well enough to execute in the previous workshop. I could tell by the level of engagement, the animated conversations, the singing (OK, there wasn't any spontaneous singing...but it would have been really cool if there was!)

Second, I went back to that first client and I told him the truth about my dissatisfaction. I said, "I apologize if my learning curve compromised the value of the day in terms of your team's ability to align with its newer members. I know I could have done better. I recognize I wouldn't be able to live up to my own core values of serving, being trustworthy, supportive, seeking, creative, and courageous if I didn't reach out to communicate these thoughts with you, even if doing so is difficult."  And, yes, it was really difficult.

In the end, I thanked him for his patience and for the grace he showed during the workshop and told him I looked forward to seeing where the relationship might progress. 

What Happened Next

Well, so far, nothing. I haven't heard back from him. Not yet. Maybe never, although I am eager to see whether the "relationship might progress" from here. 

But, it's not always about the results you get. I feel better. I'm still not satisfied with the way I conducted myself during that workshop, but I can't turn back and change that. Instead, I created the possibility for the truth to become a part of the conversation and I followed a path from failure to values-driven success:

1) I felt like I'd failed and paid attention to the signals which indicated so. You see, I gave a workshop. It would be easy to call it a success.

3) I asked why it felt like I'd failed even though it appeared I'd done what I'd been hired to do. It's difficult to argue with success, you know.

4) I determined what I could do better the next time.

5) I did it better the next time.

6) I told the truth. I admitted that in that workshop I did not perform like the expert I said I was...that I did not act like the facilitator I've been for others countless times before and should have been for my client that day. 

7) I found satisfaction in my actions regardless of the results and the conviction to keep moving forward...even though it's really hard.

"Success is getting what you want. Values-driven success is getting what you want and being the person you want to be. Here's the catch, you can't get what you really want if you are not first, the person you want to be." (from Finding Success).

I may not be as self-aware as I need to be in the moment...I'm human...but I'm thankful to be willing and courageous enough to hear the voice I often want to drown out with self-served "atta boys;" the one that tells me I could have done better. Shame cannot be overcome without facing it.

Onward; full of fear and imperfection. Yet, I go.

What Did You Plan to Do and Didn't...or Not To Do and Did?

Ever not do what you'd said you'd do even though, technically, you could call it a success? What happened? What did you do about it and how did that change things for you for the better...or worse? 

I'd love to hear your story and so would everyone else, so why not share it in the comments section, below! What's the matter? Afraid we'll laugh at you? It's hard to laugh at what we see in the mirror.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and the Success Engineer at BoomLife. LEARN MORE ABOUT TOM...

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The Math Behind Integrity

How Value Propositions Really Work in Relationships and Success

When I was a kid, my parents always told me integrity is "doing what you say you will do." 

When I was in basic training, I remember the Drill Sergeants insisting integrity is "doing the right thing, even when nobody is watching." I'd ponder this sentiment as my cohorts and I stared down at the puddles of sweat forming below while we collectively did push-ups in penance the impudent act one of our own committed.

Neither definition is wrong. But, I've always believed both left some important questions unanswered, like:

• Do I really know the right thing to do in every situation?
• Do I even know why it's the right thing to do?

What the Dictionary tells us:

Integrity (noun)

 1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character, honesty

2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished

3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition

What does it mean?

It's simple: The only way to have integrity, to achieve a state of being whole, is to consistently personify each of your values (a.k.a. virtuous, "moral and ethical principles").

Think of your values as pieces of a puzzle and "of your life as a puzzle. You create and form the pieces that fit together to create the whole. If you don’t give each piece the attention it needs, it just won't fit into the others. You may have the pieces, you may understand that you need them, but because they don't fit, they leave empty spaces in your life until you give them the needed attention." (From Finding Success)

The point is, every human being knows who they really want to be. That ideal person is defined by a specific set of values, each of which have meaning and together make up a potentially integrated whole.

In any situation, when our decisions and actions are focused on personifying each of our values integrity is sustained regardless of the results. 

Our Biggest Challenge

The external results we seek have a tendency to distract, or divide, our thoughts, decisions, and actions from our values. When that happens, we cannot have integrity because the person we really want to be, is compromised, the whole becomes disintegrated to some extent.

The Simple Solution: Expand Your Definition of Success

Expand your definition of success.

When making a decision, always remember that there is a difference between success and values-driven success.

Success is getting what you want (desired external results).

Values-driven success is getting what you want and being the person you want to be. Here's the catch, you can't really get what you want if you are not first the person you want to be.

The Problem Begins With the Least-Best Question

Our problem with integrity happens when we ask ourselves, "How can I get what I want?"

The question, itself, directs us away from the direct path to the person we really want to be. It begins to divide our thoughts, decisions and actions from the words we would love others to use to describe us. It creates the least amount of value for us, especially in our relationships with others.

The Best Question 

"How can I get what I want and be the person I want to be?"

The secret sauce is to consistently choose to do things that reflect every one of our values. I call it Values-Driven Thinking. Add a dab to every decision and the results will taste much better.

Why Values-Driven Thinking is So Critically Important

• Values-Driven Thinking helps us to consistently prioritize values over results: the person we want to be is more important than the things we think we want to get.
• Potential results (rewards or punishments) either motivate or coerce.
• Values inspire!
• Values-Driven Thinking provides an indestructible foundation from which we can always build.
• Conviction will drive us to keep working at getting the results we want. Getting what we want, in and of itself, is not the problem. 
• Results are temporary and can be changed if we keep trying.

What the Math Looks Like

Let's break down the equation:

Words = The words you want people to use to describe you and the actions you take; your values and the "moral and ethical principles" they represent. These words represent the value proposition you promise.

Acts = The things you do. How you create and deliver value for yourself and the people who are important to your success.

Nothing = Zero distracted thoughts + Zero divisive decisions = Zero compromising actions.

You cannot be "whole, entire, or undiminished" if anything divides your values from your actions. People see the gaps between the value proposition you promised them and the value you deliver. So can you, my friend, let's be honest. You're not hiding anything from anyone.

It Appears We Need To Be Perfect. That's impossible!

It truly is impossible. So, let's look at the solution to this problem in terms of whole and partial numbers. Math has a solution for less-than-whole numbers- it's called the decimal.

If perfection = 1, then any solution less than perfection is a part of one. So, we may be 0.82, 0.25, or even 0.98 of the person we really want to be.

The question is, could we even round-up to get to 1 from where we are today? And, how far is the distance between the person we are and the whole definition of who we want to be? 

Don't get confounded. The important question here isn't, "How can I be perfect?" That question has way too many rabbit holes. The critical questions are:

• "How close am I to the whole? How far away from 1?  
• That question leads to to the next, "What do I need to do now that I know I'm not equal to 1?"

Rounding-up is a neat trick, but it's not the solution you really want.

How to Make the Math Work

Nobody is perfect. Perfection is not possible. But, we can keep driving toward it.

1. Identify and define your own values. Answer this question:
• What words do I want to use people to use to describe me and my actions?
2. Ask yourself the one question that will lead you toward values-driven success:
• How can I get what I want and be the person I want to be?
3. Check your math afterword:
• Did I get what I want?
• Was I the person I want to be?
• This answer tells you if anything divided your words from their actions.
• Can you round-up to get to 1 and what is the value of the gap?
4. Make incremental changes. Remember, nobody's perfect and it's a journey. So, when you recognize the gaps, make a plan for the future. Don't beat yourself up. Look ahead. Ask the question.
• What can I do differently next time to get both?
• How can I decrease the gap between me today and 1?

Do you believe others recognize can gaps between the value propositions you promise and the value you create and deliver? If so, do you think it helps or hinders your relationships with them?

What does "driving toward perfection" mean to you?

Can you close the gap without assistance and guidance from other people?

Become a part of the conversation! Share your thoughts and responses to these questions! Or, maybe there's something I've missed here, you can help me become a better communicator.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and the Success Engineer at BoomLife. LEARN MORE ABOUT TOM...

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Why People Give More and Why They Don't- A Love Story

I Searched for a Decade for an Answer to This Question

As a Ranger and Combat Engineer Officer, I learned how to make values-based decisions every day…even when it was really hard…especially when it was really hard.  In that culture, success absolutely depended on relationships and trust.

Later, I learned that success in the corporate culture was often limited by the desires of the individual and for years my frustration with that attitude drove me to seek a solution. If I had a dollar for every relationship I messed up trying different things...

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was constantly asking this question, "Why were the soldiers I served with so much more willing to give such tremendous effort and serve so selflessly when so many of my corporate colleagues who were making so much more money were just putting in their time?"

The Answer Finally Came to Me In a Book

In 2012, I read a story in the book, They Fought for Each Other, by Kelly Kennedy, and I was soon able to put all of the pieces of the values-based system that had been floating around in my head for years. It was a true story about  a soldier named Ross McGinnis who saved the lives of his friends by purposefully blocking them from the blast of a grenade that was inside their vehicle. I later analyzed a part of McGinniss' story in my own book as an example of someone who finds inspired values-driven success.

Kennedy is so genuine in telling the stories of McGinness and his brothers in Charlie company as they help each other live through a series of devastating experiences that I'll leave the details to hear. I highly recommend her book. If we want to grow as human beings, we need to read stories like this one, stories about real human beings that break our hearts while reminding us of the spirit that drives people to do incredible things.

Every soldier wonders if they'll do what it takes to do what their friends need them to do when it matter most…especially when it’s really hard.

If You're Struggling With Following Me So Far, Here's Why

People have asked me many times, “How can such a tragic story possibly illustrate the real meaning of success? He was killed! Nobody wants that!” And, they wonder, "What does a story about soldiers have to do with success in business, anyway?"

I get it. It doesn't appear to be a very good example. But appearances can be deceiving.

So, I reply, "Think. What words would you use to describe Ross’ actions?"

They invariably use words like Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage (These words, by the way, are U.S. Army Core Values) and others like them. I hear words which any human being would want others to use to describe them even more than they'd like to hear themselves defined by their job title, the company they work for, how much money and power they have, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, etc. You know, all the things that appear to be measurements of success in our culture. 

But, the reason why Ross did what he did was much more significant.

Why Did He Do It?

What Ross McGinnis sacrificed his life for was LOVE. You see, every virtuous value leads back to Love.

Ross saw the grenade go into the Humvee. He tried to keep it from getting in.

He could have jumped out immediately after alerting everyone. He’d done his duty, right?

But, McGinnis recognized that no one inside the vehicle saw the grenade, they didn't immediately react after he screamed, "Grenade!", and he saw it sitting right in the middle of four people he couldn’t imagine the world without: These were people he Loved.

Ross knew in that split second what he was willing to live the rest of his life for.

The fact that the rest of his life lasted only a split second longer isn't the point. He made a choice to live for LOVE and in his critical moment, Ross McGinnis gave four lifetimes worth of it.

Love reminded him of his loyalty and his duty and gave him an overwhelming respect for the lives of others. Love compelled him to serve selflessly and on the honorable path.

Love provided integrity within his decisions and actions and created the personal courage Ross needed to face the consequences of his dilemma.

In Case You're Still Not Convinced

Think about it this way: What if Ross had made the different choice? What would the rest of his life had been like? Would he have considered himself a success if he'd jumped out knowing he could have done something to save his four friends? Would he have gotten what he really wanted?

Ross McGinnis believed in what he was doing, he was satisfied with his actions. He died, and it's tragic. But, he died with Love in his heart. His example is truly one of values-driven success.His is a story about Love- A Love Story.

What Does This Mean in the "Real" World?

We are each faced with dilemmas great and small every day and fail to recognize the opportunity to create value by being vulnerable.

After I read Kennedy's book, I realized what is lacking in corporate cultures where success is limited so much by the desires of the individual- Real relationships based on trust. The reason so many employees are not engaged is because nobody has given them reason to care about anybody else but themselves. What they get from the organization, their leadership and their colleagues is relegated to a transactional level, so they reciprocate.

In other words: If people don't feel the Love, why would they fight for you? Not all Love stories have happy endings. Some are tragic. Some leave you longing for something more.

Still, people say, "But, McGinnis' story is about war where lives are at risk! It's not like that in the "real" world!"

Really? Are you going to tell me finding meaningful success in your personal and professional life doesn't depend on doing what you Love with people you Love? Do you really believe you can do it without authentic relationships? Without trust? Without Love? Isn't it always relationships in which trust and Love do not exist that lead to war in the "real" world?

I promise you this, my friend, your life absolutely depends on it! And, your stake in it grows exponentially with every person you genuinely care about. 

Think about it. If I haven't convince you by now, don't bother reading the next section. It won't help you. I wish you well.

I Want to Share This Simple but Amazing "Trick"

Success is getting what you want (Look it up, see if come to the same conclusion as me). I'm not satisfied with that definition and you shouldn't be either! Something very important is missing!

It’s really hard to always know the right thing to do in every situation especially with such an incomplete definition of success, so here’s a simple "trick" that will always help you: Expand your definition of success. I call the expanded version, "Values-driven success".

Values-driven success is getting what you want and being the person you want to be. Here’s the catch, you can’t get what you really want, if you are not first the person you want to be.

Actually, it's not a trick, at all. It's a clear and logical way of thinking and acting. So, if you use it, you'll actually be clearing away all of the crap that has been limiting your success. You limit your success with confounded thought process that makes things (money, power, position, etc.) the main characters in your Love story. Are they really the reason why you're here?

If You Want to Lead Anyone...Anyone at All, You Need a System

The practice of values-driven success is scalable and can work in any cultural context if you know how to build a system for communication, measurement, and continuous improvement. 

Build that system and you can begin to build trust. Eventually, people will Love working with you. Think about it this way. I told you Ross' story and explained why he did it. The truth of the matter is, that story is as much about the other guys, the people he saved. He did it because he felt Love for them...which means up until that critical moment they did things that caused him to trust them...to Love them.

Once you've given people a reason to engage and satisfied the conditions for Trust and Love, they will lead you to your greatest opportunities for growth. There's just no telling how much value you'll get from the Love they'll give because of what you give them!

How will your Love stories end?

Will people will do amazing things because what they value aligns with what you need them to do?

Will your staff give the effort you need them to?

Will your board focus and lead the way you need them to?

Will your customers and members give what you need to fund your efforts to help more people?

Do you know why they will or won't?

It all starts and ends with Love.

I'm interested in your thoughts and insights. Why not give some Love and share them in the comments section below? And, remember, Love doesn't always mean agreement. If you disagree with anything I've shared here, I'd Love to hear your logic and reasons.

BUY THE BOOK!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and the Success Engineer at BoomLife. LEARN MORE ABOUT TOM...

READ A SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM THE BOOK