Don't Be Confused About Why People Leave

Do you have key employees who, if you lost them, would leave such a hole in your company or team that you're not sure you could ever fill it? Do you know what would make them want to stay with you? Do you know the real reason about why they might leave?

A friend of mine started working for a startup company a few years ago. She managed the operation as the company grew from less than 50 employees to over 200. It's easy to see that she's been critical to the company's growth and financial success. She recently gave her boss two week's notice. She accepted another job and took a large pay cut. 

The Awesomeness...and the Confusion 

First, I'm happy for her because she found the courage to make this difficult decision. She had to conquer her fear that she and her husband would not be able to make ends meet. In the end, they decided the most important influencing factor was her satisfaction in the work she was doing. I want to celebrate their level of faith that fulfilling the human spirit is more important than filling the bank account. You see, they recognize they have a challenging money problem. They also recognize they're capable of finding solutions. BOOM!! (picture a fist bump explosion here)

On the other hand, I also know her boss. He's confused and never saw it coming. Why did she leave? He's concerned about how he's going to make things work, although he won't admit it. I can hear it in his voice. Meanwhile, he's doing what entrepreneurs have a tendency to do, focusing on the best solution to this complex problem. 

My concern for him is this: I'm quite sure he recognized the opportunity that's been lost for him and his company. The future value of the value she'd helped him create in just a few short years instantly turned to zero.

In his rush to fill the vacuum, has he taken the time to understand why that opportunity was lost and how he could have seen it coming? 

Was it About the Money?

When she was hire, in the early days of the company, he pitched her a value-proposition that looked like this: "I can't pay you very much right now. But, if you help me grow this company, your compensation could more than double in the next few years."

He gave her a few small raises along the way. He provided a few perks and she appreciated them. But, as the Company realized the success he envisioned, the ratio between the rewards he promised in relation to the growth and the rewards he provided were miles apart.

It's easy to think this means it was about the money. But, actually, it wasn't. She heard that initial value-proposition, she bought into it, she delivered what she promised. He delivered part of it. But, it was easy for her to see the gap and it caused her to wonder if she could trust him, especially while she watched him spend money on things the company didn't really need.

So, money was a part of the problem, but not the real root cause. It was trust. He offered her more money the minute she told him she was leaving. She turned his offer down. Nobody who takes a job that pays them less money than they're currently making does it because of the money.

Other Key Factors

My two friends think in different ways. 

She knows that you can't make everyone happy so the best you can do is build a structure that creates accountability and be consistent so that people can be satisfied that they are being treated as fairly as is reasonably possible. 

He wants everyone to be happy and have fun at work. He thinks the way to do that is not create cumbersome rules and structure.

She values the personal relationship and puts it in front of the transaction.

He values the things success brings and prioritizes the transaction over the relationship.

Here's how things went down:

• She quickly became dissatisfied when he didn't allow her to create a structure with which she could lead the staff and hold them accountable.
• He became dissatisfied any time he recognized a gap between the things the employees on their staff did and his definition of acceptable professional behavior...a definition that was never documented and never fully communicated.
• Her dissatisfaction turned to frustration as she watched his emotional reactions and suggested solutions which he rejected.
• His dissatisfaction turned to frustration as he failed to solve the same problems over and over again.
• As he continued to react to situations based on emotions, he never felt he could trust his employees.
• Employees became confused about what they were supposed to be doing because no clear expectations were ever given. A lot of turnover in the staff resulted. 
• She became frustrated in her efforts to create the kind of high-performance work environment he said he wanted, and she knew how to deliver, because he wouldn't allow her to create the structure needed. So, she lost trust that she would be able to lead in his company the way she envisioned she could.
• She worked extremely long hours through the growth, the turnover, the shortage of resources, and her personal need to fulfill her responsibilities. No matter how many unplanned problems she had to help solve throughout the day, employees still needed to get their paychecks, invoices still needed to be created and sent to customers, the bills needed to be paid. She arrived at six thirty and often worked until ten at night for weeks and months at a time. He worked a normal work day.
• He failed to recognize the gap between the value-proposition he promised and what he delivered. The loss of trust weakened the connection for her.
• He failed to help her be the leader she really wanted to be. His lack of trust in her abilities further strained the connection.
• He failed to recognize her efforts and to reward them in meaningful ways. It's important to say, "You're doing a great job," but there comes a point where that's just not enough. She felt her efforts were unnoticed, under-valued, and unappreciated. One day she asked herself, "Why should I continue doing this?"  The love was lost.

Could He Have Prevented it?

The simple answer is, yes. But only if he'd seen it coming. 

Could He Have Seen it Coming?

Again, yes. But, only if he was looking...and listening...only if he valued his relationships with all of his key stakeholders more than the transactions that created wealth for his company...only if he were willing and able to measure the strength of the relationship as much as he measured the bottom line.

Business success is based on the value of the transaction. 

The transaction only happens if the relationship is seen as mutually beneficial by all involved. So, which is more important? The transaction or the relationship? Which one sets the conditions for success for the other?

I know you're smart. You know the real answer.

How to Create Mutually Beneficial Relationships

1. Create Connection- Strengthen the attraction!
• Define your value-propositions with every key stakeholder so expectations are in alignment on all sides.
• Employees as well as customers as well as vendors....
2. Create Trust- Strengthen the bonds of connection!
• Build the structure that creates accountability.
• Engage key stakeholders so they can help you identify your greatest opportunities for Innovation, Growth, and Profits.
• See what they see.
• Listen!
3. Create Love- Help them to love working for you!
• Deliver what is promised. 
• Be honest when you can't and about why.
• Show you're willing to do the work to fill the gap.

I use a system I call GPS Theory to create meaningful and lasting mutually beneficial relationships. The system is based on the principles of Connection, Trust, and Love and has allowed me to expand my definition of success so I can create values-driven success for the people with whom I love to spend my personal and professional time! The magic happens for me because I create if for others. I'm able to create if for other because they help me see what I need to see instead of what I want to see. This helps me actually meet their needs instead of trying to convince them that what I'm giving them does. It works in every personal, professional, and organizational situation. My clients see it this way too!

How do you ensure you're creating mutually beneficial relationships based on Connection, Trust, and Love? 

My friend, Peter Beaumont, from ConnXN, and author of The Relationship Roadmap, just published an article on building trust with customers. He's a relationship expert so you may want to check it out.

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What's Your Cultural Problem?

WHAT'S YOUR CULTURAL PROBLEM?

We read and hear about it all the time, "experts" and "normal" people, alike, explaining the cause of an important issue as a "cultural problem". You hear it on the news, on the bus, at the coffee clutch, the classroom, the board room, the family kitchen. You read about it in books, newspaper and magazine articles and, yes...on blogs. Just scroll through the results of a culture-related search engine query and you'll find some of the most talked about issues of our times in the results. For example, search "It's a Cultural Problem" or "It's a Cultural Issue" and you'll find myriad communications on: Bullying and Hazing, Family Life, Gender Equality, Addiction, Education, Religion, War, Race and Ethnicity Differences, and Workplace Issues like Employee Engagement, Environmental Safety, Employee Safety, Product Quality, Product Safety, Customer Relationships, and Leadership, to name a few.

So, we are all aware and able to identify that culture is at the core of the greatest problems of our times. The solution is simple, isn't it? Fix the culture and you fix the problems. Easy. Right?

What is a Culture?

Here's the definition: Culture is the shared and learned way of thinking and acting among a group of people within a specific organizational context.

Culture- It's Not As Simple As It Seems

Culture is everywhere. Each one of us operates within multiple cultural contexts. Even what appears to be a clear-cut context such as a company culture isn't really what is seems. The truth is, the culture is divided by sub-cultures, both formal and informal.

Let me illustrate: Both Company and Family Cultures are divided into sub-cultures because of differences in thinking created by Five Factors of Cultural Influence:

• Proximity- Location-specific thinking.
• Different company facilities, divisions, and departments in different locations have a high-risk of identifying and translating different meanings of values based on the influences the people have on each other because of the strength of their exposure to one another. It's that whole "you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with" thing.
• Functional- Process-specific thinking.
• The process one group in a given location follows to create value (intrinsic and extrinsic) can affect how they perceive different key value-propositions.
• Resource- Constraint-based thinking.
• The uneven distribution and limited availability of important resources (Time, Materials, Equipment/Tools, and People (Skills, Expertise, Leadership) between different locations and functional areas can create different views on values-based principles like:
• Internal safety and security
• External safety and security
• Quality
• Efficiency and Profitability
• Expertise- Experiential-driven thinking.
• Each individual's unique combination of age, level of education and training, and amount of experience can skew how they perceive values and how they should be applied in different situations.
• Position- Authority-driven thinking
  • How leaders exercise the authority in their areas of responsibility and the power their position provides will influence how employees think and act.
  • Appropriate uses of authority and power will influence others to engage and exercise their creativity.
  • Inappropriate uses will influence others to disengage out of fear of punishment. 

Each of these influencing factors can play a role in any given context and definitely affects the quality of the culture whithin which it exists. Cultural issues can be enormously complex if we don't take a systematic approach at solving them.

Our human tendency is to allow our Expertise to drive our decisions which, in and of itself, is not enough.

The Common Denominators

There are three common denominators in the influencing factors associated with cultural complexity: Values, People, and Relationships.

The Potentially Simple Solution to Cultural Issues

Create a consistent definition, and understanding of the definition of values and value-propositions for your people across all locations, functions and levels of expertise within the company-level context. Create a culture where thinking and actions are focused on using expertise, resources, and functional capabilities to identify and implement innovative solutions that contribute to your purpose and mission.

In other words: Align people on values. Get them to use those values are the primary drivers for decisions, actions and behaviors and you'll et the conditions for creating meaninful and lasting mutually-beneficial relationships.

I've said it before: Mutually beneficial relationships are magical! Why? Because, when they occur, every stakeholder involved walks away from the situation feeling like they got more out than they put in. 

• The desire to make a connection and stay connected is reinforced. The kinds of employees and customers you need to be successful will be attracted to you.
• Trust is created through a history of shared positive outcomes. Be consistent and reliable and they will come to you when they really need help.
• The willingness, or conviction, to transcend conflict is strengthened when the highest form of love is achieved in a relationship. You may recognize this concept. It's what you mean when you say things about wanting people to, "Go above and beyond," "Go the extra mile," "Take the extra step," "Hit it out of the park." It's what you're talking about when you say your highest performing, most loyal team member has "An intangible quality." It only happens if the bonds of connection and trust are created and consistently reinforced.

How to Solve A Cultural Problem

1. Define Your Company Culture- The culture you really want.

2. Identify and define the problem.

• Identify WHAT value-propositions are not being fulfilled and WHEN.
• Identify WHAT Influencing Factors are involved and WHERE (It could be one...it could be all of them).
• Identify WHO is not fulfilling those value-propositions.
• Identify WHY they are not fulfilling them. The answer will fall under one, or both, of these two categories:
• Capability- Identify the conflict, or gap, between process, resource constraint, or experiential situations at the locations involved and the expectation.
• Will- Identify the conflict, or gap, between the value-propositions the individuals involved are choosing to fulfil and the expectation.

3. Solve the Capability and/or Will problem. 

• This problem. Now. 
• Don't try to solve every problem all at once. 
• Incremental, systematic change will change the culture one problem at a time. The change can be positive or negative...you get to choose which depending on how engaged you are.
• As a leader, you're either part of the problem or part of the solution.
• Find conviction, belief in what you are doing, and you will create Values-Driven Leaders who will:



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• Know what the culture you want them to create looks like.
• So they can Think before they take Action.
• Do things that will reflect it.
• Be successful at building lasting mutually-beneficial relationships that are meaningful to your organization's success.

Every culture is a reflection of how it is led.

• Do you feel like you keep addressing the same problems with your employees?
• Do it feel like you're constantly trying to fill gaps in your talent pool and want to reduce employee turnover?
• Are you frustrated with employee attitudes?
• Does it seem like you're constantly chasing customers? 
• Does it feel like you can't make key customers happy no matter how hard you try?

These are all symptoms of cultural problems that create enormous amounts of frustration, waste, and lost opportunities for you, your company and the key stakeholders critical to your success. 

Do you know how to lead the efforts necessary to fix the cultural problems that are at the root of these symptoms? 

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Influencing Change Through Humility

This one's for the parents who care about being a consistent and loving example so their children can learn to make sound, rational decisions, be positively productive, and live satisfying, happy lives. In other words, parents who want to lead values-driven families (not a parent? Read it anyway...you may be able to apply this concepts to your situation).

Let’s say you have a teenager who’s been partying too much at college. They just showed you their grades from the Fall semester when they came home for the holidays…and, they’re failing…everything!

Your natural reaction, “You need to do better! You should go to class every day! You could stop partying so much and focus on your education!” 

You’re right. They do. They should. They could.

And, they agree with you, in principle, but your answers won’t help them change their behavior. They’ll only make things worse. Everyone will become even more frustrated.

Why Won’t Your Answers Help?

Think about it for a moment. Did anything you say really tell them something they didn't already know? Do you really believe a young adult who is going to college doesn't know that they could get their grades up if they focused on their education instead of partying? Are you some kind of genius? Are they some special kind of idiot who became the first Freshman to party too much at school?

Are you trying to fill the role of the expert in a situation where you can’t be a part of the solution because you aren't a part of the problem?

In my experience, there is only one thing that will get someone to find the solution they really need. They know they have a problem but they don’t want to think about it…so they don’t find a solution.

Who really needs to have the expert power in this conversation? You, or your kid?

Will your answers help them think about the problem and how to solve it?

Is being the expert really what you want? Or, do you want to respond with humility so they can find the solution that is meaningful to them?

What Can You Do to Make Them Think About Their Problem?

What questions can you ask to create an atmosphere of acceptance rather than where they can only focus on self-defense? Is this really a time you want them to dig in? Would you rather see them be the expert in their own situation and attack the problem?

What questions can you ask that will allow your college student to illicit and explore their own reasons for change?

What questions can you ask that will provide them with a safe environment to evaluate so they can decide what values they really want to personify?

What questions can you ask that will help them define the boundaries and the goals they want to set for themselves?

(See what I did there? I didn't give you one "how-to" throughout this entire article, did I? Only questions. You’re the expert in this conversation, my friend, not me!)

Are You A Parent Who Cares?

The past few months, we've been feverishly working on a new program designed to ask parents who want to lead values-driven families the questions that will help them build their own solutions around a simple cultural framework:

Think- Know what you want and the person you want to be (identify and define your core values).

Act- Do things that will reflect the person you want to be as you try to get what you want (Targeted Effort + Values personification = Progress Toward Values-Driven Success ).

Be- Be satisfied with your own efforts at getting what you want while you continuously adapt to an ever changing world.

We ask parent-leaders how they want to apply the principles of kinship, trust, and love and to create an engaged, satisfied, and focused family culture.

If It All Starts With Thinking Then Doesn't the Best Thinking Start With the Best Questions?

Humble parents ask questions about problems so the real experts can find solutions.

It’s a journey…always a journey. If you're not good at putting your expert hat aside then think about it in terms of "Not Yet." Practice. Try new approaches. Get help if you need it.

Our new program is called Finding Family Success and it's based on GPS Theory, the main subject of my new book, Finding Success: Get What You Really Want in which I share some inspiring stories including one about my own experiences as a struggling parent. 

GPS Theory asks a very powerful question: What do you want, success or values-driven success?

Before you answer...consider these points:

• Success is getting what you want. 

• Values-driven success is getting what you want and being the person you want to be. Did you notice the a catch? Can you really get what you want without first being the person you want to be? 

You be the expert! 

We'd love to hear your thoughts. What questions would you ask your college kid to help influence them to think about the solution to their problem? Which is more important: Success or Values-Driven Success?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and the Success Engineer at BoomLife, and helps people achieve values-driven success. Through his writings, workshops and inspirational speaking, Tom helps people find and expand the sweet spot between what they value, what they’re good at, and what their situation requires so they can exceed even their own expectations. Tom is a former U.S. Army Ranger-qualified Combat Engineer officer with a Master’s Degree in Business Administration and Master’s Certificate in Executive Coaching from Bellevue University and has created stellar performance in teams in a wide range of environments. Originally from the Adirondack Mountains of Upstate New York, Tom lives in Jefferson, South Dakota, near his three children with his wife, Julie. He is an active and passionate advocate for parents, veterans and entrepreneurs in his community and region.

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Fairness is Like Perfection

I told the group I was speaking to what they really wanted was to constantly drive toward perfection.

One of them asked, “What does perfection look like to you?”

“I don’t know. I've never seen it. And, I never will.”

I could tell most of the people in the room were thinking my answer invalidated my previous statement. So, I shared my story.

I Thought I wanted Perfection

In my marriage to my ex-wife, I was failing so badly at being an example of a loving husband that my botches were also evident in the example I provided my children.

I wanted parental perfection. But, I kept telling myself, “You’ll never be the father you want to be! Just look at the things you’ve done!” I paralyzed myself with the impossibility of being perfect.

One day, someone showed me that they saw what I thought I was hiding from the world: My failures at being the example of the loving husband and father I wanted to be.

I’d known for a long time my failures as a parent were rooted in the fact that my relationship with their mother was not based on love. We’d worked very hard at trying to find common ground. Turns out, there wasn't enough for both of us to stand on. Sadly, the results were disastrous.

I wish I could say it was for reasons more noble than embarrassment, but the realization that my failures were evident to the people around me shook me at my very core. I finally determined to do something.

I found the confidence and conviction to change the relationship with my ex-wife when I decided:

• I cannot move forward if keep looking backward.
• I can be a good parent who is not married to my children’s mother if I know what that looks like and drive my thoughts, decisions, and actions toward that ideal.
• I can be a parental partner with my children’s mother, if not a marriage partner, if I know what that looks like and drive my thoughts, decisions, and actions toward that ideal.
• I can overcome the excuses I’d made in the past to maintain the status quo.
• Financial fears.
• Fear of damaging my relationship with my children.
• Fear of being viewed as a failure by others.

Why I Didn't Choose Fairness

I changed the nature of the relationship with my children’s mother first. 

She initially didn't think it was fair for me to ask for a divorce at the time I did. It wasn’t. But, I realized I couldn't wait for perfect circumstance and we both needed the fighting to stop or we’d never be the parents we really want to be.

I worked at refocusing our interactions on what we both valued: Raising children who can make sound, rational decisions, are positively productive, and can find satisfaction in their own efforts. To do that, we both needed to create a family culture based on kinship, trust and love.  It took several years, but we got closer every day.

Next, I started to change the nature of my relationship with my children.

I communicated new expectations for my children. Change is hard, my children initially resisted it, “That isn't fair! How can you expect us to _______ (insert new expectation) when you used to_______(insert my past/related failure here)?”

It’s true. It isn't fair to change the rules on people. But, if you don’t start out with the best rules in the first place, and you want to make things better, you have to change them. Changing things for the better with people can’t ever be fair in relation to the past.

If I didn't have conviction in my values as a person and a parent, I might have given in, because they were right about it not being fair. But, I wanted things to change and I couldn't argue with my past failures, so I didn’t.

“Yes, I did _______(insert my past/related failure(s) here). Because I want to be a _______(insert value here) father and I want you to grow up to be a _______(insert same value here) person too. We both need to change how we think so we can change how we act and react.”

So, fairness is like perfection...

...in that neither is possible. Try to be either completely and you'll immobilize yourself with impossibilities. Drive toward fairness and perfection and you move forward.

It took some time to gain momentum but everyone made progress. We’re still making progress.

How to drive toward parental perfection and fairness:

• Define the person and the parent you want to be.
• What values do you want to personify?
• What words do you want others to use to describe you and your actions as a parent?
• Gain conviction through strength in the belief that you can be those words for other people.
• Communicate the definition of the person you want to be and why achieving it is important.
• To your spouse or parental partner.
• To your children.
• Why stop there? Tell everyone! It will make you feel courageous as all get out! Plus, it you will gain advocates who care.
• Evaluate every situation.
• How can you achieve values-driven success?
• What actions will help you get what you want AND be the person you want to be?
• Are you being the person you want to be while you try to get what you want?
• A great tool for assessing this is the free GPS Theory App on my website.
• Drive toward perfection and fairness, and values-driven success:
• Do things that will help you get what you want AND be the person you want to be.
• Gain confidence as you make progress.
• Here’s the catch: You can’t get what you really want if you are not first the person you want to be. This is true of parents…and everything else human beings try to become.

My point to the group I was speaking to was this: Just because perfection is not attainable doesn't mean we can’t try to continuously get closer to it- that’s what self-improvement is. 

And, whether they realized it when they signed up for the Finding Family Success Workshop, or not, they came for self-improvement. They came to challenge the status quo and drive toward perfection and fairness as parents.

We'd like to hear what you think. 

Answer these questions in the comments section, below:

What words do you want others to use to describe you and your actions as a parent?

Who are the most important people for you to hear those words from?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and the Success Engineer at BoomLife, and helps people achieve values-driven success. Through his writings, workshops and inspirational speaking, Tom helps people find and expand the sweet spot between what they value, what they’re good at, and what their situation requires so they can exceed even their own expectations. Tom is a former U.S. Army Ranger-qualified Combat Engineer officer with a Master’s Degree in Business Administration and Master’s Certificate in Executive Coaching from Bellevue University and has created stellar performance in teams in a wide range of environments. Originally from the Adirondack Mountains of Upstate New York, Tom lives in Jefferson, South Dakota, near his three children with his wife, Julie. He is an active and passionate advocate for parents, veterans and entrepreneurs in his community and region.

READ A SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM THE BOOK

Be a Tenacious Failure

Image Source: http://image.tmdb.org/t/p/original/kv3BYjq1GkVGLMctm8DZIAK651L.jpg

Failures provide opportunities to understand the gaps between what you wanted and and the results you got (internal & external) in any situation (Hint- Gaps always exist. Always.)

If you're interested at all in getting better results in the future, you will take the opportunity to seek the root causes for the gaps and then adapt your efforts accordingly. 

You'll never get to a destination where all conditions are perfectly in your favor and where some, or all, of those conditions won't change in the next moment. The world always changes around you in ways you cannot possibly predict, therefore, you will always fail on some level and finding success is a neverending journey. 

So, if you're always going to fail, be a "tenacious failure." 

Here's How to be a Tenacious Failure:

Tenacious Thinking- Always think about and decide what you want (Success*) and the person you want to show the world in every situation (Values-Driven Actions*) so you will KNOW what to do to get both (Values-Driven Success*).

Tenacious Actions- DO things that will help you get what you want while being the person you want to be.

Tenacious Progress- Assess and evaluate- Did you get what you want while being the person you wanted to be? 

• If no, BE dissatisfied with the gaps and seek to understand their root causes and what you need to do more of, what you need to do less of, and what you need to do differently the next time. BE satisfied with your decisions and efforts and you just might find happiness...even when you fail.
• If yes, BE satisfied with the choices and actions that got those results, but also, BE alert! The world will keep changing around you. Your new success is now your status quo...BE a Tenacious Thinker.

Three simple words: KNOW - DO - BE = The Path to Success

The Alternative

If you're not willing to be a tenacious failure then you're making a choice to ignore the gaps (the gaps that always exist. Always). You become complacent, blinded by the boundaries of your comfort zone. Stuck and fearful of the success you really want. 

Ultimately, even if you try to blame the world, you become dissatisfied with yourself. 

Then, you'll just be a regular ol' failure.

Now, that's no way to truly live, is it? 

The Hardest Part is the Part You Usually Avoid

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Truthfully, the hardest part to master is the thinking part. We human beings can be impetuous and foolish- the human heart and it’s constant craving to be filled so often compels us to focus on getting what we think we want- we too often forget about the person we really want to be.

In my book, Finding Success, I share a number of stories from my own life that show how much pain I created for myself by not failing tenaciously. The stories in the book illustrate the difference seeking values-driven success made in my life and the lives of the people around me once I created GPS Theory and started sharing it with the world. I started really living for love, for faith, honor, charity, and reason by seeking to understand, finding the courage to face the truth in every situation, and the creativity to do more to get what I want and be the person I want to be. By applying GPS Theory, any human being can create the mutually beneficial relationships they really want.

BOOM!

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Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and Success Engineer at BoomLife, he helps

people achieve values-driven success. Through his writings, workshops and inspirational speaking, Tom helps people find and expand the sweet spot between what they value, what they’re good at, and what their situation requires so they can exceed even their own expectations. Tom is a former U.S. Army Ranger-qualified Combat Engineer officer with a Master’s Degree in Business Administration and Master’s Certificate in Executive Coaching from Bellevue University and has created stellar performance in teams in a wide range of environments. Originally from the Adirondack Mountains of Upstate New York, Tom lives in Jefferson, South Dakota, near his three children with his wife, Julie. He is an active and passionate advocate for veterans and entrepreneurs in his community and region.

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Teaching Children the Math Behind Integrity

When I was a kid, my parents always told me integrity is "doing what you say you will do."

When I was in the Army, I learned it was "doing the right thing, even when no one is watching".

Neither definition is wrong. But, I believe both always left some important questions unanswered, like:

• What if what I say I will do is not what I want?
• Do I know the right thing to do in every situation?

What the Dictionary tells us:

Integrity

(noun)

1.

adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

2.

the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished:

to preserve the integrity of the empire.

3.

a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition:

the integrity of a ship's hull.

What does it mean?

It's simple: The only way to have integrity, to achieve a state of being whole, is to personify each of your values (a.k.a. virtuous, "moral and ethical principles") consistently. 

Think of your values as pieces of a puzzle and "of your life as a puzzle. You create and form the pieces that fit together to create the whole. If you don’t give each piece the attention it needs, it just won’t fit into the others. You may have the pieces, you may understand that you need them, but because they don’t fit, they leave empty spaces in your life until you give them the needed attention." (From Finding Success)

The point is, every human knows who they want to be. That ideal person is defined by a specific set of values, each of which have meaning and together make up the integrated whole.

In any situation, when our decisions and actions are focused on personifying each of our values integrity is sustained, regardless of the results. 

Here's our biggest challenge

The external results we seek have a tendency to distract, or divide, our actions from our values. When that happens, we cannot have integrity because the person we want to be, is compromised, the ideal whole person becomes disintegrated to some extent.

Here's the deceptively simple solution

When making a decision, always remember that there is a difference between success and values-driven success.

Success is getting what you want (desired external results).

Values-driven success is getting what you want and being the person you want to be. Here's the catch, you can't really get what you want if you are not first the person you want to be.

Your children can always have integrity if they answer this question and then do what it tells them to: 

How can I get what I want and be the person I want to be?

The secret sauce is to choose to do things that consistently personify all of their values.

Why Teaching your children this way of thinking is important to parents who care

• Helps them consistently prioritize values over results: the person they want to be is more important than the things they want to get.
• Potential results (rewards or punishments) either motivate or coerce.
• Values inspire.
• Provides a values-based foundation upon which they can always build.
• Conviction will drive them to keep working at getting the results they want.
• Results are temporary and can be changed if they keep trying.

What the Math Looks Like

Let's break the equation down:

Words = The words you want people to use to describe you and the actions you take; your values and the "moral and ethical principles" they represent.
Acts = The things you do.
Nothing = You cannot be "whole, entire, or undiminished" if anything divides your values from your actions.

How to Make the Math Work

(We have an awesome program to help with this process...it's called Finding Family Success)

1. Identify and define your own values then help your children identify and define theirs. 
2. Teach your children how to define the person they want to be. Answer this question:
• What words do I want to use people to use to describe me and my actions?
3. Teach your children to find the answers to the question that will lead them toward values-driven success:
• How can I get what I want and be the person I want to be?
4. Teach your children to always check their math:
• Did I get what I want?
• Was I the person I want to be?
• This answer tells them if anything divided their words from their actions.
• What can I do differently next time to get both?

BOOM!

CHECK OUT BOOMLIFE'S NEW

FINDING FAMILY SUCCESS PROGRAM

Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and Success Engineer at BoomLife, he helps

people achieve values-driven success. Through his writings, workshops and inspirational speaking, Tom helps people find and expand the sweet spot between what they value, what they’re good at, and what their situation requires so they can exceed even their own expectations. Tom is a former U.S. Army Ranger-qualified Combat Engineer officer with a Master’s Degree in Business Administration and Master’s Certificate in Executive Coaching from Bellevue University and has created stellar performance in teams in a wide range of environments. Originally from the Adirondack Mountains of Upstate New York, Tom lives in Jefferson, South Dakota, near his three children with his wife, Julie. He is an active and passionate advocate for veterans and entrepreneurs in his community and region.



READ A SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM FINDING SUCCESS