Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Fairness is Like Perfection


I told the group I was speaking to what they really wanted was to constantly drive toward perfection.

One of them asked, “What does perfection look like to you?”

“I don’t know. I've never seen it. And, I never will.”

I could tell most of the people in the room were thinking my answer invalidated my previous statement. So, I shared my story.

I Thought I wanted Perfection

In my marriage to my ex-wife, I was failing so badly at being an example of a loving husband that my botches were also evident in the example I provided my children.
I wanted parental perfection. But, I kept telling myself, “You’ll never be the father you want to be! Just look at the things you’ve done!” I paralyzed myself with the impossibility of being perfect.

One day, someone showed me that they saw what I thought I was hiding from the world: My failures at being the example of the loving husband and father I wanted to be.

I’d known for a long time my failures as a parent were rooted in the fact that my relationship with their mother was not based on love. We’d worked very hard at trying to find common ground. Turns out, there wasn't enough for both of us to stand on. Sadly, the results were disastrous.

I wish I could say it was for reasons more noble than embarrassment, but the realization that my failures were evident to the people around me shook me at my very core. I finally determined to do something.

I found the confidence and conviction to change the relationship with my ex-wife when I decided:
  • I cannot move forward if keep looking backward.
  • I can be a good parent who is not married to my children’s mother if I know what that looks like and drive my thoughts, decisions, and actions toward that ideal.
  • I can be a parental partner with my children’s mother, if not a marriage partner, if I know what that looks like and drive my thoughts, decisions, and actions toward that ideal.
  • I can overcome the excuses I’d made in the past to maintain the status quo.
    • Financial fears.
    • Fear of damaging my relationship with my children.
    • Fear of being viewed as a failure by others.

Why I Didn't Choose Fairness

I changed the nature of the relationship with my children’s mother first. 

She initially didn't think it was fair for me to ask for a divorce at the time I did. It wasn’t. But, I realized I couldn't wait for perfect circumstance and we both needed the fighting to stop or we’d never be the parents we really want to be.

I worked at refocusing our interactions on what we both valued: Raising children who can make sound, rational decisions, are positively productive, and can find satisfaction in their own efforts. To do that, we both needed to create a family culture based on kinship, trust and love.  It took several years, but we got closer every day.

Next, I started to change the nature of my relationship with my children.

I communicated new expectations for my children. Change is hard, my children initially resisted it, “That isn't fair! How can you expect us to _______ (insert new expectation) when you used to_______(insert my past/related failure here)?”

It’s true. It isn't fair to change the rules on people. But, if you don’t start out with the best rules in the first place, and you want to make things better, you have to change them. Changing things for the better with people can’t ever be fair in relation to the past.

If I didn't have conviction in my values as a person and a parent, I might have given in, because they were right about it not being fair. But, I wanted things to change and I couldn't argue with my past failures, so I didn’t.

“Yes, I did _______(insert my past/related failure(s) here). Because I want to be a _______(insert value here) father and I want you to grow up to be a _______(insert same value here) person too. We both need to change how we think so we can change how we act and react.”

So, fairness is like perfection...

...in that neither is possible. Try to be either completely and you'll immobilize yourself with impossibilities. Drive toward fairness and perfection and you move forward.

It took some time to gain momentum but everyone made progress. We’re still making progress.

How to drive toward parental perfection and fairness:

  • Define the person and the parent you want to be.
    • What values do you want to personify?
    • What words do you want others to use to describe you and your actions as a parent?
      • Gain conviction through strength in the belief that you can be those words for other people.
  • Communicate the definition of the person you want to be and why achieving it is important.
    • To your spouse or parental partner.
    • To your children.
    • Why stop there? Tell everyone! It will make you feel courageous as all get out! Plus, it you will gain advocates who care.
  • Evaluate every situation.
    • How can you achieve values-driven success?
      • What actions will help you get what you want AND be the person you want to be?
    • Are you being the person you want to be while you try to get what you want?
      • A great tool for assessing this is the free GPS Theory App on my website.
  • Drive toward perfection and fairness, and values-driven success:
    • Do things that will help you get what you want AND be the person you want to be.
      • Gain confidence as you make progress.
      • Here’s the catch: You can’t get what you really want if you are not first the person you want to be. This is true of parents…and everything else human beings try to become.

My point to the group I was speaking to was this: Just because perfection is not attainable doesn't mean we can’t try to continuously get closer to it- that’s what self-improvement is. 

And, whether they realized it when they signed up for the Finding Family Success Workshop, or not, they came for self-improvement. They came to challenge the status quo and drive toward perfection and fairness as parents.

We'd like to hear what you think. 

Answer these questions in the comments section, below:

What words do you want others to use to describe you and your actions as a parent?

Who are the most important people for you to hear those words from?


BUY THE BOOK!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and the Success Engineer at BoomLife, and helps people achieve values-driven success. Through his writings, workshops and inspirational speaking, Tom helps people find and expand the sweet spot between what they value, what they’re good at, and what their situation requires so they can exceed even their own expectations. Tom is a former U.S. Army Ranger-qualified Combat Engineer officer with a Master’s Degree in Business Administration and Master’s Certificate in Executive Coaching from Bellevue University and has created stellar performance in teams in a wide range of environments. Originally from the Adirondack Mountains of Upstate New York, Tom lives in Jefferson, South Dakota, near his three children with his wife, Julie. He is an active and passionate advocate for parents, veterans and entrepreneurs in his community and region.




Friday, January 16, 2015

Be a Tenacious Failure

Image Source: http://image.tmdb.org/t/p/original/kv3BYjq1GkVGLMctm8DZIAK651L.jpg
Failures provide opportunities to understand the gaps between what you wanted and and the results you got (internal & external) in any situation (Hint- Gaps always exist. Always.)

If you're interested at all in getting better results in the future, you will take the opportunity to seek the root causes for the gaps and then adapt your efforts accordingly. 

You'll never get to a destination where all conditions are perfectly in your favor and where some, or all, of those conditions won't change in the next moment. The world always changes around you in ways you cannot possibly predict, therefore, you will always fail on some level and finding success is a neverending journey. 

So, if you're always going to fail, be a "tenacious failure." 


Here's How to be a Tenacious Failure:

Tenacious Thinking- Always think about and decide what you want (Success*) and the person you want to show the world in every situation (Values-Driven Actions*) so you will KNOW what to do to get both (Values-Driven Success*).

Tenacious Actions- DO things that will help you get what you want while being the person you want to be.

Tenacious Progress- Assess and evaluate- Did you get what you want while being the person you wanted to be? 
  • If no, BE dissatisfied with the gaps and seek to understand their root causes and what you need to do more of, what you need to do less of, and what you need to do differently the next time. BE satisfied with your decisions and efforts and you just might find happiness...even when you fail.
  • If yes, BE satisfied with the choices and actions that got those results, but also, BE alert! The world will keep changing around you. Your new success is now your status quo...BE a Tenacious Thinker.
Three simple words: KNOW - DO - BE = The Path to Success

The Alternative

If you're not willing to be a tenacious failure then you're making a choice to ignore the gaps (the gaps that always exist. Always). You become complacent, blinded by the boundaries of your comfort zone. Stuck and fearful of the success you really want

Ultimately, even if you try to blame the world, you become dissatisfied with yourself. 

Then, you'll just be a regular ol' failure.

Now, that's no way to truly live, is it? 


The Hardest Part is the Part You Usually Avoid

BUY FINDING SUCCESS!
Truthfully, the hardest part to master is the thinking part. We human beings can be impetuous and foolish- the human heart and it’s constant craving to be filled so often compels us to focus on getting what we think we want- we too often forget about the person we really want to be.

In my book, Finding Success, I share a number of stories from my own life that show how much pain I created for myself by not failing tenaciously. The stories in the book illustrate the difference seeking values-driven success made in my life and the lives of the people around me once I created GPS Theory and started sharing it with the world. I started really living for love, for faith, honor, charity, and reason by seeking to understand, finding the courage to face the truth in every situation, and the creativity to do more to get what I want and be the person I want to be. By applying GPS Theory, any human being can create the mutually beneficial relationships they really want.


Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and Success Engineer at BoomLife, he helps
people achieve values-driven success. Through his writings, workshops and inspirational speaking, Tom helps people find and expand the sweet spot between what they value, what they’re good at, and what their situation requires so they can exceed even their own expectations. Tom is a former U.S. Army Ranger-qualified Combat Engineer officer with a Master’s Degree in Business Administration and Master’s Certificate in Executive Coaching from Bellevue University and has created stellar performance in teams in a wide range of environments. Originally from the Adirondack Mountains of Upstate New York, Tom lives in Jefferson, South Dakota, near his three children with his wife, Julie. He is an active and passionate advocate for veterans and entrepreneurs in his community and region.







Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Teaching Children the Math Behind Integrity


When I was a kid, my parents always told me integrity is "doing what you say you will do."

When I was in the Army, I learned it was "doing the right thing, even when no one is watching".

Neither definition is wrong. But, I believe both always left some important questions unanswered, like:

  • What if what I say I will do is not what I want?
  • Do I know the right thing to do in every situation?

What the Dictionary tells us:

What does it mean?

It's simple: The only way to have integrity, to achieve a state of being whole, is to personify each of your values (a.k.a. virtuous, "moral and ethical principles") consistently. 

Think of your values as pieces of a puzzle and "of your life as a puzzle. You create and form the pieces that fit together to create the whole. If you don’t give each piece the attention it needs, it just won’t fit into the others. You may have the pieces, you may understand that you need them, but because they don’t fit, they leave empty spaces in your life until you give them the needed attention." (From Finding Success)

The point is, every human knows who they want to be. That ideal person is defined by a specific set of values, each of which have meaning and together make up the integrated whole.

In any situation, when our decisions and actions are focused on personifying each of our values integrity is sustained, regardless of the results. 

Here's our biggest challenge

The external results we seek have a tendency to distract, or divide, our actions from our values. When that happens, we cannot have integrity because the person we want to be, is compromised, the ideal whole person becomes disintegrated to some extent.

Here's the deceptively simple solution

When making a decision, always remember that there is a difference between success and values-driven success.

Success is getting what you want (desired external results).

Values-driven success is getting what you want and being the person you want to be. Here's the catch, you can't really get what you want if you are not first the person you want to be.

Your children can always have integrity if they answer this question and then do what it tells them to: 

How can I get what I want and be the person I want to be?

The secret sauce is to choose to do things that consistently personify all of their values.

Why Teaching your children this way of thinking is important to parents who care

  • Helps them consistently prioritize values over results: the person they want to be is more important than the things they want to get.
    • Potential results (rewards or punishments) either motivate or coerce.
    • Values inspire.
  • Provides a values-based foundation upon which they can always build.
    • Conviction will drive them to keep working at getting the results they want.
    • Results are temporary and can be changed if they keep trying.

What the Math Looks Like


Let's break the equation down:

Words = The words you want people to use to describe you and the actions you take; your values and the "moral and ethical principles" they represent.
Acts = The things you do.
Nothing = You cannot be "whole, entire, or undiminished" if anything divides your values from your actions.


How to Make the Math Work

  1. Identify and define your own values then help your children identify and define theirs. 
  2. Teach your children how to define the person they want to be. Answer this question:
    • What words do I want to use people to use to describe me and my actions?
  3. Teach your children to find the answers to the question that will lead them toward values-driven success:
    • How can I get what I want and be the person I want to be?
  4. Teach your children to always check their math:
    • Did I get what I want?
    • Was I the person I want to be?
      • This answer tells them if anything divided their words from their actions.
    • What can I do differently next time to get both?

Tom Eakin is the author of Finding Success and Success Engineer at BoomLife, he helps
people achieve values-driven success. Through his writings, workshops and inspirational speaking, Tom helps people find and expand the sweet spot between what they value, what they’re good at, and what their situation requires so they can exceed even their own expectations. Tom is a former U.S. Army Ranger-qualified Combat Engineer officer with a Master’s Degree in Business Administration and Master’s Certificate in Executive Coaching from Bellevue University and has created stellar performance in teams in a wide range of environments. Originally from the Adirondack Mountains of Upstate New York, Tom lives in Jefferson, South Dakota, near his three children with his wife, Julie. He is an active and passionate advocate for veterans and entrepreneurs in his community and region.



READ A SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM FINDING SUCCESS